Now for the sixth and final concept.

 Concept #6:

"There is far too much concern with keeping the marriage intact. Advice is given to each as to how to pamper the other one. Endless articles are published in slick magazines for women as to "How to Hold Your Husband." How unfair of anyone to try to hold another! Our whole effort must be to try to pry open the clenched fist each one has on the other. Their hands should be free for productivity. They should not be engaged in mutual "snooper-vision" and in trying to hold each other.

All human relationships must be open on all sides for growth. We must hold each other in an open palm. If we give honest weight and full measure, we need have no anxiety."

Are you a man who:

• Believes that the only way a marriage can be "successful" is to stay together?
• Fears that if he lets go of his wife she will leave?
• Relies on his wedding vows to justify remaining in the situation he is in?

PREFACE:

I am NOT someone who believes you should divorce at the first signs of struggle. However, I do believe there is no shame in gracefully ending a marriage if it isn't working. 

The key is how you decide if it isn't working. 

If you're using feelings of anger, frustration or hurt, then you are making your decision from the wrong place.

If you're making your decision from a place of love, everything will pan-out very differently. 

Having a woman ask for space can be one of the most painful and confusing experiences you will ever have!

How can you possibly give more space when you don't even do anything together anymore? 

The space she is referring to is not a proximity thing. It's an energetic experience rooted in a philosophical concept.

The energy is a clingy neediness and it is felt as being stifled and held back. It's suffocating and makes her feel like she is carrying a heavy weight on her shoulders. 

The philosophical part is the spirit of acceptance and freedom that comes with unconditional love. 

Unconditional love is the choice to love despite the things that you don't like about the person. 

When you fear losing something it's natural to hold onto it tighter.

However, holding on too tightly tends to squeeze out the things that we fell in love with to begin with. 

This pattern is favoured by the anxiously-attached person. 

If you're trying to stop a balloon from blowing away in the breeze, then holding on to it tightly will stop it from blowing away. 

If you are trying to stop someone from leaving you, then holding on tighter can make their escape even more appealing.

There is a paradox at play here. 

On one hand you love someone deeply and don't want to let them go. 

You are attracted to them and their happiness. 

You feel excited when they choose you and want to spend time with you. 

You become addicted to it.

And very quickly you tell yourself that in order to keep feeling this way, nothing outside of you can change. 

Our minds assume that if we hold on to them and never let them go then we can experience this endlessly! 

So we hold on tighter and tighter without realising we are killing the very spark that attracted us. 

The act of holding on tighter kills the very things we are holding onto in the first place. 

No one wants to be with someone that doesn't want to be with them and yet we often create this situation without even realising it. 

Neediness is NOT attractive, at least to a healthy and self-reliant person. 

If you find yourself thriving on the feelings of being "needed" then you have relegated someone else to the role of being your leader. 

They determine your moves and pace while you simply wait for instructions to follow. 

As resentment builds on both sides, you each start to blame each other for the situation you are in.

Obligation is not sexy. 

Confident, loving decisions are. 

If you love someone, set them free.

Do you want a partner who truly wants to be with you or one that stays because they believe they can't leave? 

I'm yet to meet a guy who doesn't want his wife to want him. 

In fact that is one of the top requirements for their ideal relationship.

They want to be CHOOSEN over every other guy. It's super sexy!

When you try to stop her from leaving by guilting, shaming and reminding her of the obligations she has to you and the kids, you are limiting her options in an attempt to force her to choose you. 

Under these circumstances, even if she does choose you, you both know it wasn't because she wanted to. She had no choice but to choose you. 

For there to be choice there must be freedom to make that choice. 

The love that is rich in attraction and reverence can only be found in her CHOICE to be with you. 

For her to choose you, she must have the chance to choose others as well. 

 *****

How to let go

Take control over YOUR happiness

When you stop needing her to make you happy, she becomes free to create her own happiness and vice versa. 

When both partners take responsibility for their own happiness, the relationship shifts from being transactional to inspirational. 

It changes from obligation to freedom. 

You both become CREATORS of the lives that you want. 

If you both want a similar life then the relationship becomes the space where you can make it happen. 

If each of you want something different and being in the relationship holds you back then no amount of guilt, shame or obligation is going to make it work.

Denying freedom always leads to resentment. 

Just ask any guy who gave up everything to be with a specific woman if he's happy. 

Now is the time to break the cycle and connect to YOUR joy. 

You must start doing things that are linked to a purpose outside of the relationship. 

You don't need to cut yourself off from her completely - only to the degree that you have handed her the power to determine whether you have a good day or not.

BE the man that you were when you first met each other. Live as if happily divorced and in accordance with YOUR values.

Creating your own happiness supports her to create her own.

This is one of the most beautiful and powerful gifts you can giver her and it begins by simply wanting what is best for her by doing what's best for you also.

What if she believes divorce is best for her? 

Allowing her the freedom to do what she wants means she gets to choose you, which is what you wanted all along. 

Does this mean she can just do what she likes and be with other partners? 

If you want that type of relationship, then yes. 

If you want a monogamous relationship then you must make this clear and then let her decide if she wants it also. 

If she doesn't want the same thing as you there is no need to take it personally.

You simply want different things; it has ZERO to do with you.

How liberating is that!

Flip your perspective

It can be very helpful to flip your perspective and see things from a different angle.

A coach or group of trusted men can help with this by allowing you to see outside of your current feelings and circumstances.

To see this birds-eye view of things one must be detached from the emotions that come from being in the situation. 

Sometimes men just need some tough-love!

Consider if it was YOU who wanted to leave the marriage and she was trying to guilt you into staying. 

How would that feel to you?

What would your response be?

What if she was the one clinging on, denying you space and acting as if she would die without you? 

Would it make you want to stay? 

Would you resent her if you did? 

If you wouldn't tolerate something from her, then you can't expect her to tolerate it from you!

Sometimes it can be enough to realise that if you truly do love her, you want her to be happy.

If not being married to you will help with that then the best thing you can do is to help create a smooth transition for everyone involved. 

Love her like your child

If your child wanted to move out and live their own lives would you stop them? 

Again, there may be parts of you that don't want them to.  Of course you'll miss them.  And what if they get into trouble?

But deep down you want them to be happy and if moving out means that they are happy then you'd be all in and help them do it. 

So why can't you afford the same freedom and support to the woman you love? 

Often it is because we think we NEED her.  She is our direction and without her we are lost. 

If you truly believe someone has the power to make you happy then you will do whatever you can to stop them leaving.

Becoming a master of your own happiness brings this power back to YOU. 

YOU get to make your own happiness.  You must.

She has the freedom to decide if she wants to be part of it.

*****

If you want to learn how to become a master of your own happiness and release the anxious need to control outcomes, then join me along with Coach Garrett Prettyman for our private group training course:

The Married Man's Vital Formula to Masculine Confidence

This is an 8-week live video course for 8 men only.  

Registration ends on August 20, 2022

Click HERE to read the 15 specific learning points we'll be teaching along the journey.  We'll be recording this course for you so you can review the lessons over and over.