Who is this woman? Out in public she acts all bubbly and happy. But at home, she seems dead inside.
“I don’t feel IN love with you anymore, Tom,” she said.
“What does THAT mean?” Tom asked.
“I’m just not feeling a connection,” she said. Her body seemed frozen, like a statue.
“I do EVERYTHING for you and our family. I can’t believe this. What more do you want from me?”
She stayed frozen.
Women offer indirect communication within relationship. Read between the lines: feel the tone of her expression and watch her body language for clues.
“Listen, I’ve just been really busy at work. Our schedule has been crazy with the kids. And the last time I asked you out for date night, you said you were tired. I’m trying.”
She started to cry.
She is feeling unheard, unfelt, and dismissed.
“Don’t cry. Look, things will get better. Once I get this promotion and the kids finish the school year, we will have more time,” Tom pleaded.
She walked away.
She gave up trying to connect. He wasn’t resonating with her emotions.
Tom didn’t know what to do. He tried to make her understand. He tried to explain it wouldn’t be like this forever.
So many responsibilities in life: bills, working from home, the kid’s soccer practice, older parents with health problems, crazy world events.
Before all of this, he thought the marriage was good.
He didn’t pressure her for sex.
He’s a good man. Why doesn’t she see that?
15 years ago, when they first got together, each had their own life. He never explained himself. He was “just living life.” He didn’t feel the need to explain himself.
15 years later, after marriage, kids, and life stress, Tom fell into the MOST common mistake men make when their wife says she’s unhappy… He attempted to explain away the issue, he deflected the problem back onto her and onto life, and he tried to TALK her back into attraction. He was using a logical argument instead of emotional connection.
An initiated man knows you cannot TALK your way out of a situation you’ve BEHAVED your way into.
Tom called his best friend, James.
“James, I don’t know what to do. Linda said she’s not in love with me anymore and doesn’t feel connected . I’ve been busting my ass at work, we are super busy with the kids, and life is crazy stressful. I explained to her that this is only temporary. I explained that this isn’t my fault. But she started crying and just walked away,” Tom said.
“So, you basically told her that she’s wrong and her feelings are stupid.”
“What? No! That’s not what I said. I explained to her that I’m trying.”
“Tom, she opened up to you. She told you her deepest feelings. That was scary for her to do. And what did you do in return? You tried to explain away her feelings. This makes a woman feel wrong and stupid. Yes, it was painful for you to hear, but defending yourself is not what she was hoping for. She was hoping that you would have compassion for her feelings, not try to explain them
away.”
“James, that doesn’t make any logical sense! I’m so angry and confused.”
“You’re right. It doesn’t make logical sense. She was telling you her emotions, not asking you to solve a math problem. 1+2 doesn’t equal 3 when a woman is telling you her emotions. 1+2 equals infinity. The infinity of her feelings in that moment aren’t supposed to make logical sense. She wants you to put your ego aside and feel her pain, not defend or explain.”
“What am I supposed to do now?” Tom asked.
“Take a breath. Slow down. The world isn’t ending. She’s simply feeling unheard and ignored.”
“I don’t want her to feel ignored. I love her.”
What to Do When She’s Acting Distant?
