Here are conversations I had with three different men recently.
John was concerned (bordering on terrified) about his sexual performance issues at the end of his marriage. He was concerned that he had only been with one woman, his wife, and now he
was about to be single again at 48.
B.R. and I were discussing his wife's resistance to performing oral sex, specifically, the lack of enthusiasm and how it was not like that before they were married. The sex was hot, there was enthusiasm! He chuckled and said, “I can’t believe I am
discussing this with you.”
The week before Cameron and I were discussing how the amazing relationship and sex with his girlfriend had almost disappeared and seemed routine. He then said, “You’re the only
one I can talk to about this.”
They can't believe they are talking to me because they didn't think anyone actually talked about this stuff at all. Little do they know that I get to talk about this stuff with men all the time.
We all have some form of internalized toxic sexual shame to deal with.
We live in arguably the most sexualized time in history.
Whether you live in the United States, Europe, Asia, or Australia, the issues are the same for men. From time to time we ALL have the struggles of feeling inadequate, wrong or quite
possibly broken.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
We live in a world where:
- We joke about sex.
- We think about it – all the time.
- We are sold by it.
- Women are taught it is the only thing we want from them.
- We have never been properly taught about it.
- We mistakenly chase it.
- We may have experienced sexual abuse.
- We have been told we should always be "up for it".
With all this focus on sex, sadly, most of us struggle to discuss it with our partners.
It is the most natural and beautiful thing, yet we are told it is wrong, dirty, and bad by our parents, churches, society, and even our wives!
We are shamed for desiring something natural, and wonderful...
for wanting to connect with our partner in the most powerful way.
My shame regarding sex was related to my lack of awareness of how bad the sex in my marriage was because I was using frequency as a measuring stick of my relationship.
After divorcing I made the mistake of focusing on my pursuit of sex. I thought "more was always better".
I did not even factor intimacy into the equation.
There was a period I was out of control. I did some crazy stuff.
There was a time I felt tremendous shame for how I conducted myself during that time.
Who gets to shame you for your behaviors?
Are you harder on yourself than everyone else?
What if there was no shame in having conversations about sex?
What if you realized and accepted that sometimes you would not get hard or not be able to maintain an erection? What if, instead of feeling shame, you realized that this is normal.
Two weeks after Cameron and I talked he called back to thank me. Everything was back on track after I made him aware of how he had lost his way and what corrections to make.
John and I had a long discussion about his shame for only being with one woman. He decided he should feel proud. Screw what society says. He had to educate himself on things, but that didn't mean he was in any way flawed or inadequate.
And the secret to better sex and more enthusiastic blowjobs? It had nothing to do with sex. It was about connecting with her and making her feel desired. B.R. also learned to understand and empathize with her body image issues which
were impacting her desire to feel beautiful and to be sexual. He is now working on making her feel seen, heard, and safe by connecting with her heart and opening her to enjoy intimacy again. He had been forgetting what was so hot in the beginning of his marriage.
If you are struggling with sexual issues or shame I want you to know you are not alone. I have been there.
Making the choice to start working on these issues requires courage. You might feel awkward or afraid to talk about this stuff. Just remember...
It is normal!
And YOU are normal!
