Weekly Wisdom - I Was Far From Hitting the Bottom

Published: Wed, 05/25/22

I was far from hitting the bottom it turned out.

My name is Dennis Collins and I live in Overland Park Kansas outside of Kansas City.

I am a master coach with Goodguys2Greatmen and owner of Man Of Legacy.

I help men find their direction again, repair their masculine foundation and given them the path towards confidence, love, success and deep and intimately connected relationships moving forward.

*****

I'd love to say that after my divorce I worked on improving myself and in a very healthy way learned and grew my sexuality and my sexual knowledge.

I didn't. I was far from hitting the bottom it turned out

Being the needy nice guy that I was, I made external validation and sex my heroin. This was the validation that I was worthy, and I was addicted. Years later two friends told me they werehaving discussions about whether or not to have an intervention because I was out of control in their minds.

I had my kids 50% of the time, and when I didn't have my kids, I was either having sex or trying to arrange sex.

For the most part, I was present with the kids when I was with them maybe not 100%. Mostly.

Still, my focus was on external validation. Unfortunately, sex was like eating a small bag of potato chips, it wasn't fulfilling and pretty soon you wanted more.

Getting to have tons of sex sounds like fun and, don't get me wrong, there were some memorable moments. But it was exhausting. Ultimately it was also unsustainable, and I finally realize that and stopped the non-stop chase. I was worn out.

Then somebody I worked with said they had a friend they thought I would like, and lo and behold we clicked hard.

Then I made the mistake many men make post-divorce.

I started dating before I was ready. I was not yet healed from the marriage ending.

It was also during this time that I dealt with my anger. I went to counseling. It's not something I talked much about, but I didn't know about coaching, and I needed to deal with this issue.

I started to understand boundaries and there came a point in August a year later when my girlfriend was violating some boundaries that were not negotiable. She was texting another man. I made these boundaries clear, and she lied and continued to violate them.

I ended that relationship.

The following week on the Sunday night of Labor Day weekend I sat there after ending the relationship and thought to myself. "I don't need to start sleeping with tons of women."

I was feeling grounded, I knew I was good. As I sat there, I decided that I would:

* Not have or seek sex for at least two or more weeks.

* I will never be with/date more than two to three women at the same time.

* Be honest with my sexual needs and identity.

* Start working on being a better man.

* Not get into a relationship before I was ready.

I knew that seeing two to three women at once would just be me chasing sex again and it could lead to me being out of control again. I was now aware of that.

This was a 180 degree shift from how I behaved post-divorce.

Why is she dating already?

I was working with a client named "Mark" whose was recently divorced. I told him, "Remember...your ex secretly decided a year or two before she told you she wanted divorce that she was done with the relationship. She has already mourned it. And just because she is dating does not mean that she is ready or that it's a healthy relationship."

This is why I encouraged Mark not to date immediately after the divorce. I told him to give it six months. His ex-wife already was dating and had a boyfriend (actually her second).

He wanted to get out there as well, but he really did not NEED to.

He wasn't ready. He was still building the framework for an amazing life.

And when he was ready, I encouraged him to date two or three women

casually as he dipped his toe back into the dating pool.

Mark continued to work on himself and when he was ready he started dating casually. Soon he had two brand new friends. He found once he was healthy and healed that "there are lots of amazing high-quality women out there". (his words)

He was not coming from a needy place anymore. When one woman turned out to have several issues that did not align with his values he found it easy to decide to stop seeing her.

*****

There is a lifetime to date women. But the time after the end of a marriage is a time for grieving, self-reflection, self-work, and self-love.

Before you get back to dating you need to work on the most important relationship. That's the one with yourself.

Focus on taking care of and loving yourself while building deep and intimate relationships with other men. This is more important than any girlfriend. This is what we do in this community.

I am blessed to know that until I take my last breath my purpose on this earth is to help men on their journey. I learned most of my lessons the hard way. My mission is to help you avoid the plethora of mistakes that I made, help you grow and get through these times with less pain and suffering.

So, where do you go from here?

The odds are you are a really good guy. You want to be proud of the man you are being and you want your relationship with your wife to be better, but if you could have worked this problem out on your own, you would have done it by now.

At this point we always ask you, "What do you really want?"

It's one of the hardest questions for men to answer. Why?

It seems as if we've been programmed to be afraid of saying what we want!

Only a total jerk would clearly, plainly and unapologetically say out loud what he really wants for himself and his life...right?

Wrong. In fact, if you don't decide to clearly state what you want and go after it, nobody else will do it for you.

We send you these emails to stimulate your thinking and to stir your emotions. That's the first step to taking the lead in your life.

If this email jolted your thinking...or if it tugged at your heart, then you are being called to stand up and do something.

We want to show you what it’s like to speak with a man who has lived what you’re going through. It’s rare to feel totally seen, heard and valued by another man.

Simple.

We live to serve men. We live to light a spark of realization in your mind that change is possible. Confidence is natural. And becoming empowered to improve your situation is mandatory.

If you do want to talk about our coaching programs, groups and courses, that may take another call.

First things first. Let’s get you moving in the right direction for now.

Click HERE now to schedule your personal conversation. Plan for at least ONE HOUR. I guarantee you will happy you did.

And if you want to send Dennis Collins a personal message about this email, you can email him at denniscollins@manoflegacy.org

************

Please know you are always in control of your subscription to this newsletter and the use of your email address. You signed yourself up and you can “unsign” yourself anytime you please by clicking the “Unsubscribe” link at the bottom of this email. I will always respect your privacy and personal data. You may email me directly if you ever have any questions or concerns about the use of your personal information.