Welcome back, brother,

This is our weekly Woodshop Wisdom email and I want to do something different for 12 emails.

 

I want to share with you my first 12 steps to being a better father, husband (someday again) brother, and friend.

 

This might be a little goofy for some and some of you might not even celebrate Christmas, but this idea came to me, and I wanted to write about 12 powerful insights I had.

 

 I hope you can relate to them and they help you move forward.

 

So here it is. Sing along if you like. 😊

 

On these 12 days of Christmas, the insights shared from me…

 

40 more years of living,

A renewed confidence,

A brotherhood to guide me,

A bunch of ladies dancing,

A new way of being,

Clarity on my values,

Forgiveness for my partner,

Forgiveness foooorrrr myyyyyselllffff,

The willingness to seek help,

An open heart and mind,

A foundation of love,

and a feeling I will be okay.

 

Gift #11

A Renewed Confidence

 

The brotherhood was there to catch me when I felt myself falling.

 

They were there to bring me back to center and ground me again in my values.

 

She wanted a divorce. 

 

I had to make my next, loving decision.

 

I loved her enough to give her what she wanted.

 

I loved myself enough to decide to remove myself from limbo land.

 

I was done waiting.

 

It was time to start living.
 

I decided for me to move on, I would take small, incremental steps towards the dissolution of our marriage. 

 

I would no longer be in a relationship like the one we had created.  Version 1.0 was over.

 

After 9 months of personal work and trying to find a way back to a happy marriage, she dropped the bomb and said she was ready to be divorced.

 

Two weeks later I filed for divorce and had my attorney serve her the required papers.

 

It was a waiting game now.  She would find a lawyer for herself, and we would begin trading paperwork in the coming months.

 

I made another decision. 

 

It was time for me to heal. 

 

It was time to take a break and simplify my life. 

 

I made the decision to try “hybrid-no-contact” with my soon-to-be-ex. 

 

Basically, I would cease communication with her except regarding the kids and their schedule.  It was always over text message, and we never spoke outside of those parameters.

 

It began to feel peaceful for me. 

 

I consciously knew I was protecting my heart and at the same time I knew this wasn’t how I was going to live forever.

 

It was just what I needed at the time.

I never told her I was going to try hybrid-no-contact. Not a word was mentioned.  I just stopped answering any phone calls, directed everything to text, and responded only about the kids.  We quickly settled into distance and cool civility.

 

I began to relax even more.  There was nothing left to fight for.  I was left to mourn the death of version 1.0 and it had left a giant hole in my heart I would begin to heal.

 

Another three months would pass. 

 

I was feeling loose, free, and laughing more. 

 

My kids were settled and playful around me.

 

I was participating in the world around me, interacting with people, engaged with life again.

I had found inner peace by uncovering my most authentic self which was buried deep below the lie of “I’m not good enough.”

 

I took the focus off my relationship and into my inner world.

In the book “Confidence – Finding It and Living It” by Barbara DeAngelis, PhD she talks about three types of confidence.
 

Behavioral Confidence – confidence in your ability to act and get things done in your life.

 

Check – I was thinking I had this figured out. 

 

I hold the belief that “I know what I need to know in this moment and that’s all I need right now.  If I don’t know something, I am capable of learning it.” 

 

That easy.

 

I either know it or I don’t, and I will be alive either way afterwards so why worry about it.

 

The spoken words, “I don’t know” are just as powerful and truthful as having the answer.

 

Emotional Confidence – A belief and an ability to master your emotional world.

 

Check – Through practice and a bit of knowledge (see above) I learned more about my emotional world and found it easy for me when I break it down this way.

 

I am feeling something.

 

I learned to put words to my emotions and expanded my emotional vocabulary.

 

The feeling is a temperature reading into how I am thinking.  It is merely data to be read and reflected upon.

 

My emotions are true, but that doesn’t mean the thinking and beliefs behind my emotions are accurate.

 

I learned where in my body I experience different feelings and how those sensations can help me uncover the emotion I am having.  It’s like learning to feel the trigger before it’s pulled.

 

I practiced expressing my emotions to others with “I” statements.

 

Here is my example:

 

“I feel hurt”

 

I am thinking (and this is where the bullshit starts, this is all made up in my mind and this is where my choices live) you don’t respect me enough to tell me first before you went out all night and drank with your friends.  You think I am a doormat sent here to watch over our kids while you party and have fun.  You only care about yourself and have no consideration for me…on and on.

 

Truth = my emotion

 

Thinking = this is where I have a choice, and then another choice, and another.

 

There is more to this and if anyone wants to practice and get better, read last week’s email, and join the brothers who are doing this work.

 

Anyway…I was figuring it out, still am.

 

Spiritual Confidence – An ability to trust in the universe.

 

Check – This came for me when I simply started to have faith instead of fighting everything and trying to mold it into something I can control.

 

I cannot control anything other than myself and my responses.

 

I accept everything for what it is. 

 

I don’t have to place meaning behind it to make me feel comfortable or justified.

 

I know what is true for me (or I will discover it) and I am curious about what is true for you.

 

This is where these statements I use come from - “Okay” and “That happened”

 

It is a belief that I am here for a reason and that reason is constantly unfolding and revealing itself in front of me.  Everything that happens is done for me - not TO me.

 

Yes, even the awful, painful divorce facilitated my growth as an individual and brought me in front of you today.

 

My spiritual confidence also includes quite a bit of self-appreciation based off of no good evidence at all.  😊

 

I was feeling confident because of all three aspects of living it AND the removal of layers of shame and insecurity.

 

It felt great and energizing!

 

Then, in mid-October, after three months of hybrid-no-contact, and a little over a full year of separation, my phone buzzed in my pocket.

 

The text read – “Where is the sandpaper for the sander? 😊”

 

“Bottom drawer, tool chest.” I replied

 

She answered quickly, “I don’t see it.  How do I use it?”

 

“I know you know how to use a sander…plug it in, turn it on, set it on the wood.” I teased her.

 

“Can you come down and show me?” She replied.

 

“What’s this really about?” I answered.

 

(long pause…ghosted…or so I thought, shaking my head)

 

“I want to see you.  I want to talk about us.” was what I read on the screen, not believing it.

 

The rollercoaster ride took a swift left turn after a long steady climb.

 

I wonder where this is going.

 

Thoughts From The Woodshop

 

How do I build woodworking confidence?

 

#1 Behavioral – We start all guys out on the simplest tasks and build from there.

 

A guy goes from sweeping floors, to cutting scraps, to cutting actual lumber, to gluing a panel, and then another one.

 

Then he learns how to use the planer, then the shaper, then then wide-belt sander.

 

You get the idea…one task gives you the knowledge to try the next task.  Master step 1, then 2, then 3.

 

How do I know how to build a radius S-curved shaped island back with swooping raised panels, inlaid carvings and a 7 step, hand applied, antique glazed finish?

 

I started by sweeping floors and then followed that up by learning the next step.

 

#2 Emotional – This is addressed through communication.

 

If you are feeling scared you will cut your finger off, tell me, we will teach you the safety procedures.

 

If you are feeling distracted, tell me, we ask you slow down so you don’t cut your finger off.

 

Don’t be afraid to communicate.  It keeps all of us safer.

 

#3 Spiritual – I will communicate our core operating principals on orientation day.  They include our values around our belief in the success of the employee.  It’s up to you to have faith in the system and give your best effort. The universe rewards.

 

I’m trying to say your effort in the world will be reflected in your reward.  I will pay you more for good work. 😉 

 

 

Where to go from here?  

 

I see you man. I see that you are ready to engage, you are ready to create something new. I see that you are ready to pick up the tools we have available and get back to building something in your life that is beautiful, impactful, and meaningful. I look forward to seeing it! 

Most of us men spend a lot of time in our heads.  We have conversations with ourselves but never show that thinking and feeling side to anyone else.

 
We want to help you fix that.

We want to show you what it’s like to speak with a man who has lived what you’re going through.  It’s rare to feel totally seen, heard and valued by another man.

We hear it all the time. 

“Get out of my head dude!  How did you know exactly what’s going on in my kitchen!”

Our free discovery calls are not like anything you might imagine.

This is NOT a sales pitch.

This is NOT “taster session”.

This is a deep dive into your scariest and most vulnerable thoughts.  And we require you plan for at least a full hour to connect.

Why do we do it this way?

Simple.

We live to serve men.  We live to light a spark of realization in your mind that change is possible. Confidence is natural.  And becoming empowered to improve your situation is mandatory.

If you want to talk about our coaching programs, groups and courses, that may take another call. 

First things first.  Let’s get you moving in the right direction for now.

Click HERE now to schedule your personal conversation.

And if you want to send Matt Epsky a personal message about this Q&A email, you can email him at matt@goodguys2greatmen.com