My name is Jeff Allen, a men's coach with GoodGuys2GreatMen and CEO of GreatMenMoveMountains. I’ve been a licensed, professional teacher since 2010, and I’ve personally coached hundreds of men who want to save their marriage, cultivate more sex, and feel confident within themselves no matter what happens in
their relationship. I teach men how to think, how to act, and how to be inspirational to everyone around them so they can have more joy, love, and success in their lives.
Let’s start right here, right now.
*****
He knew it had been 119 days.
Doesn’t she want sex too?
“Hey, let’s Netflix and chill tonight,” he said.
She looked him dead in the eyes, and then turned back to her coffee without saying a word.
Ouch.
She felt like he didn’t understand her.
Hmm. Maybe a back massage will warm her up.
“How about after the kids go to bed tonight I give you a back massage?”
This time she didn’t even look up.
Ouch again. Double Whammy.
She didn’t feel connected to him.
“Are you mad at me? Did I say something wrong?” he asked her.
“Tom, what do you want from me? This feels like pressure.”
“Pressure? What do you mean? I just offered you a back massage and you ignored me.”
“We both know that’s not what you meant.”
“A man can’t offer his wife a back massage? What’s wrong with that?”
She rolled her eyes and walked out of the kitchen.
She felt exhausted by his neediness.
Tom felt so alone. His shoulders slumped and a knot welled in his throat. He wanted to scream and cry at the same time. Instead, he swallowed hard and pushed away the terrible feelings.
“At least the drive to work in my new 6-speed BMW M3 will be fun,” he thought. “ She never turns me down.”
Tom could barely think at work, and at lunch time, he retreated to his new car. He was spiraling into terrible thoughts. “I need help.”
Tom dialed his best friend, James.
“Hey, Tom! What’s up? Everything okay?” James asked.
“Not really, man. Linda doesn’t seem to care we’re not having sex, and when I try to warm her up, she freezes or tells me it feels like pressure. I can’t live without sex, you know. This morning I told her I wanted to give her a back massage and she didn’t even look at me. James, you and your wife are
always kissing and playing. You seem to be so happy and intimate together. What’s your secret?”
An initiated man knows to reach out for help when he’s lost.
“Tom, where are you right now?”
“I’m in my car. Why?”
“That new BMW of yours is a manual transmission, right?”
“Yeah. So?”
“Tell me, what would happen if you’re at a stop and you let out the clutch too fast?”
“The car would stall,” Tom said.
“Right. And what would happen if you shifted from 2nd gear directly into 6th gear?”
“The car would lurch and I wouldn’t have any power when pressing on the accelerator.”
“Not very effective, right?”
“Where’s this going, James?”
“Tom, you’re letting out the clutch too fast with your wife. And you’re also trying to shift into a high gear too fast.”
An initiated man knows, women don’t want to feel set-up for sex.
“Okay, so my timing is off. Is that all?”
“No, that’s not all. Have you ever owned a pet cat, Tom?”
“Man, if this is a pussy joke, I’m not in the mood.”
“No, brother. It’s not a joke. Have you ever owned a pet cat?”
“No, James. I have never owned a cat.”
“Why is it, no one ever walks their cat?”
“I’m sure you’re about to tell me why no one ever walks their cat.”
“Because cats do whatever the hell they want, when they want. You can’t force a cat to do anything, unless you want your eyes scratched out. The cat must want to do it.”
“So you’re telling me my second problem is I don’t own a cat?”
“No, man. It’s a metaphor. Your wife is like a cat. She must want to get closer to you.”
“So my timing is off, I’m trying to shift into a high gear too fast, and she must want to get closer to me first?”
“That’s right.”
An initiated man know how to bloom a woman emotionally AND physically.
“What am I supposed to do, James? I feel lost.”
When is the last time you spent 30 minutes with Linda without thinking about sex?”
“I can’t remember. I feel so hungry for her attention. When I’m around her, my mind races.”
“When all you’re thinking about is sex, that’s like letting the clutch out too fast. She doesn’t want to feel like a piece of meat. She wants to feel like you care about ALL of her: her dreams, her pains, and her feelings.”
An initiated man is never racing towards a finish line with his woman.
“So what can I do from here?” Tom asked.
“Linda wants you to dance the staircase of intimacy* with her. She wants to talk, connect, and dream with you without trying to race towards sex. Stop trying to get sex and simply enjoy the moment with her.”
An initiated man starts with gratitude and appreciation in his mind, unattached to the outcome of sex.
“Will this make her want more sex with me?”
“You can’t try and trick her, Tom. She must want to get closer to you, remember. Trying to set her up or trick her into sex is never going to make her feel desire.”
An initiated man moves and talks with calm confidence, allowing women to relax and desire closeness.
“How can I stop thinking about sex all the time?”
“You must be excited about other things in your life. Sex can’t be your only release. Focus on things you can control, like your workouts, your hobbies, your friends, time with the kids, and simple moments with Linda, like watching a sunset together.”
“So you’re telling me to focus on being excited for my life, even though I’m not having sex right now. And slow down, enjoy the moment with Linda, and ask her questions about her dreams, her pains, and her feelings.”
“Yes. Exactly. Start there, Tom. This is the foundation of desire. Everything else builds from there.
“Thanks, James. I appreciate your friendship and your perspective.”
The next morning, when Tom saw his wife in the kitchen, he felt deeply appreciative for that simple moment. He breathed into his belly, felt his feet on the ground, and smiled to himself.
“Good morning,” Tom said, with a deep rumble in his chest.
“Good morning.”
“See you later, honey.” Tom left for work without trying to get anything from her.
As he walked away, Linda watched him go. “That was different,” she thought. Her whole body relaxed.
An initiated man brings joy to his own life, no matter what is happening outside of him.
On Saturday morning, before the kids woke up, Tom said to Linda, “Say, come over and sit with me for a few minutes. The sunrise is gorgeous this morning.”
Linda felt a calm energy from Tom. She felt relief, and she happily accepted his invitation to sit together.
“I love these simple moments with you, Linda.”
She looked at his face. She felt no signs that this was a setup. She relaxed, and joy spread throughout her body.
Tom asked, “Say, what are you enjoying about life right now? I’m curious.”
This was new. Tom hadn’t asked her to share with him in a long time.
Linda began to talk while they enjoyed the sunrise together. She felt trust and openness with him, and she soon snuggled into him and put her head on his shoulder.
*****
