The first time I had tomato soup was at Sunday School. Being 4 years old, Sunday School was great! We read fun stories, I hung out with other little kids, and the playground was really cool (I loved the metal half-sphere of death with blacktop underneath; old school equipment, none of that
politically correct stuff they have now).
They even fed us lunch! Taco salad was my absolute favorite. All that taco meat and all those Fritos chips with just a little bit of lettuce - that’s MY favorite kinda salad!
But then came the day they served us tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.
Now, my father loved tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, and it appeared EVERYONE ELSE loved tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, but I f’ing hated them.
I don’t know WHY I hated them… the soup’s bland, licking-the-bottom-of-a-cardboard-box taste… the sandwiches’ soft bread with disgusting rubber-on-the-inside texture… "What’s not to like!?"
But everybody loved ‘em.
The “rule” at Sunday school was, “you HAVE to eat 3 bites of everything, no matter what.”
“You’re joking, right?"
“Why are you doing this to me?"
I’ve never forgotten the Sunday School “rule” that MADE ME eat THREE bites of my most hated meal.
But now, I’m a grown man, and other people’s “rules” about lunch mean nothing to me. I have the luxury of making my OWN decision about what I eat, and I have my OWN opinions on “what tastes good and what’s good for my body.”
I used to think something was wrong with me. Everyone else LOVED this horrific meal, yet there I was, face scrunched up in horror.
Now I know, nothing is wrong with me. Sister Mary Katherine at Sunday School can keep her 3-bite-rule.
And now that I’m a grown man, I’m happy to allow other people to have their opinion.
Allowing other people to have their own opinion is EASY when it’s about lunch.
When someone else’s opinion is steeped in something that doesn’t matter to us, it’s easy to let their judgment roll off, even if they want us to think like them.
But when the other person is our wife and her exasperated opinion is about you and your marriage, it suddenly becomes earth-shattering.
Now, I’m not comparing your wife to tomato soup and grilled cheese… okay, yes I am.
But obviously your wife’s opinion MATTERS, right!?
Sure, it does. She’s entitled to her opinion, her feelings, and her perspective. But that doesn’t mean you must conform or feel bad about having a different opinion.
Powerful, attractive, well-respected men don’t care if everyone shares the same opinion. In fact, sometimes they must stand alone. We admire leaders who genuinely stand up and act upon what they believe to be right and good, no matter what. We don’t admire men who walk on eggshells in a passive, subservient
attempt to curry favor.
Now, don’t spit in her face when you voice your opinion. My 4-year old self may have gotten away with this during a frothy tantrum over the tomato soup, but that probably won’t go over well with your wife.
An uninitiated husband may have been swallowing his opinion for years, thinking it was best to “not upset her.” However, the very act of “trying to not upset her” DOES upset her. It disgusts her, actually. Instinctually, she wants a man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to say it, even if she
disagrees.
My woman LOVES Starbucks coffee. I guess she likes the drawn-out, battery acid aftertaste. I, however, do not. But I fully allow HER to love it. In my heart, I’m completely happy for her that she enjoys it. I’ll even suggest drive-thru when passing by. “Venti Americano with an extra shot, please.” “Yes, just the
one coffee, that’s all.”
“But that’s just coffee, Jeff. What about a REAL decision, like how to discipline the kids?”
My son was failing 7th grade English class and his mother thought he should be grounded from baseball practice. I did not agree.
1. I decided to genuinely appreciate her perspective. She had a point. He loved baseball and being grounded would certainly “hurt.”
2. I decided to think long-term, not just this moment. I considered how this related to my parenting values and what outcome I wanted most? I considered the relative importance of school success vs. social interaction of sports in middle school.
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“To me, baseball practice is about social interaction and learning to play amongst a team while respecting the authority of the coach.”
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“I’d like to find a way to do both: teach the importance of school AND have him continue to have the positive influence of baseball practice.”
3. I thought about who I wanted to be in this moment and what role I want to play. I asked myself, “Is this a hill I’m willing to die on?”
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“I’d like to be in charge of grounding him from electronics until his English grade improves, AND I’ll tutor him for 1 hour per day until this happens. He can be mad at me for taking away the Xbox, that’s fine. This will also give me more 1-1 time with him too, and the English
grade improvement will be icing on the cake. How does this sound to you?”
My wife felt heard and appreciated. She felt good that I was going to be “the bad guy” and enforcer of the consequence, and she was impressed that I was willing to take responsibility to tutor him myself. It looked like a giant weight had lifted from her shoulders.
I felt great being “on the front lines” of this issue, tackling it head on. I WANT responsibility in my life and with my family. I WANT to be out front. I WANT to be a leader with my son.
Predictably, my son was pissed that I took away electronics. “It’s my life-blood,” he said. It only took him 2-weeks to bring his grade up to passing, and all along we connected. His mother was happy that his grades were better. And he still got to attend baseball practice. Mission
accomplished.
I teach men about the importance of having an opinion and standing up for themselves. And I coach them on how to do this as a powerful, attractive and well-respected man.
Yes, you can do both at the same time. You must.
So, where do you go from here?
You are a good guy. You want to be proud of the man you are being and you want your relationship with your wife to be better, but if you could have worked this problem out on your own, you would have done it by now.
You need better insights. You need another man to walk and talk with you to help you understand what to do next.
You don’t have to go through this alone.
You are not required to join a men’s group or hire a men’s coach. Just be willing to take the first step by reaching out and starting a conversation with someone who understands, will listen, and who cares about you.
At this point we always ask you, "What do you want?"
It's one of the hardest questions for men to answer. Why?
It seems as if we've been programmed to be afraid of saying what we want!
Only a total jerk would clearly, plainly and unapologetically say out loud what he really wants for himself and his life...right?
Wrong. In fact, if you don't decide to clearly state what you want and go after it, nobody else will do it for you.
We send you these emails to stimulate your thinking and to stir your emotions. That's the first step to taking the lead in your life.
If this email jolted your thinking...or if it tugged at your heart, then you are being called to stand up and do something.
We want to show you what it’s like to speak with a man who has lived what you’re going through. It’s rare to feel totally seen, heard and valued by another man.
Simple.
We live to serve men. We live to light a spark of realization in your mind that change is possible. Confidence is natural. And becoming empowered to improve your situation is mandatory.
If you do want to talk about our coaching programs, groups and courses, that may take another call.
First things first. Let’s get you moving in the right direction for now.
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