Will a trial separation help her decide?

 

Welcome back, brother!

 

We are continuing our weekly Happy Man Mindset email where we discuss topics from the Goodguys2Greatmen community.

 

My name is Charlie McKeever from Austin, Texas.  As a senior member in the community and Certified Goodguys2Greatmen coach, I share with you my personal journey as well as insights from walking and talking with men here in the community. The perspective I have gained from them have fundamentally changed me, my marriage, and my life.

 

Three years ago my wife avoided me, only gave me one word answers to questions and eventually told me she wanted a divorce. Today she regularly tells me she loves me on her own. She enjoys spending time together and we have open, honest, grown up conversations where she shares her thoughts, feelings, and experiences with me. A lot has changed over the last three years and those changes are what I will continue sharing with you in these emails.

 

Last time I shared what happened when my wife said, “I don’t want to be married anymore.” 

 

Now I’ll tell you how I survived waking up the next morning to that empty unfurnished two bedroom apartment.

 

Keep in mind, this is not legal advice. This is my story.  You should consult a lawyer before deciding what actions are best for you in your area and for your family.

 

“How the hell did I get here?” That’s what I fell asleep asking myself after I moved into an unfurnished two bedroom apartment as part of a trial separation.

 

That next morning was tough. I woke up in a sleeping bag, laying on a blow up twin air mattress in an unfurnished two bedroom apartment with all my stuff laying on the floor.

 

In one day my wife and I had agreed to a trial separation, I had signed a lease on an apartment, moved my clothes and essentials in, and spent my first night staring at the ceiling wonder what in the actual f#ck was going to happen next.

 

When I opened my eyes the next morning, I was depressed, mentally worn out, and emotionally drained. I didn’t even want to get out of bed. The morning light pushing its way into that lonely bedroom, through closed blinds, was annoying. What was the point? I felt like I had lost my family, my world, my identity, all in one day.

 

Each time I thought about getting up, a tsunami of thoughts and feelings came flooding in to knock me back down. I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts and for a long while I just laid there staring at the window.

 

Eventually I started talking out loud to myself, like a crazy man. 

 

I was alone in the apartment, so who cared. 

 

“You can’t stay in bed all day!”, I said out loud to myself.

 

“Why not? Who cares? Leave me alone!”, I replied out loud to myself, again like a crazy man.

 

“You just can’t. It’s not going to solve anything, you need groceries, and you have $hit to do for other people. So just think about doing one thing at a time. What’s the one next thing you can do?”, I asked myself.

 

“I don’t know”, I whispered.

 

“Come on, what’s the one next thing you need to do?”, I asked again.

 

“I need to pee!”, I said honestly.

 

“Okay, then go pee. Don’t think about anything else. Just go pee!”

 

So, I did. I crawled out of the sleeping bag and took seven sad steps to the nearby toilet. As I stood there having a morning pee, working hard not to think about anything else, I asked myself, “Now, what’s the one next thing you need to do?”

 

“I want coffee!”

 

“Okay, then go make coffee. Don’t think about anything else. Just make coffee!”

 

So I made coffee, then I took a shower, then I made a grocery list, then I checked in on work emails.

 

By that point, I was 80% functional again. Taking one step at a time and not “overdriving my headlights” helped me get out of bed, reboot my brain, and find the motivation to move forward.

 

Next, I needed a plan. 

 

I definitely did not want a divorce and an extended trial separation was not what I wanted either.

 

So, I emailed Dan Dore, my men’s coach and let him know the events that had taken place over the last 24 hours. He replied with a proposed time to talk and when we spoke, he listened to me as I filled him in on the details. 

 

He then asked me questions to help me clarify what I wanted. 

 

He didn’t tell me what to do. He did something far more valuable and useful, he helped me hear myself. He helped me find my own way. He helped me see that no matter what happened next, I was going to be okay and that in fact, I was already okay.

 

He reminded me that I was in control of my thoughts and that my feelings, anxiety, and related discomfort were all driven by those thoughts.

 

He reminded me to ask myself, “What do I want?”

 

Each time my thoughts turned to her, what she was thinking, what she was doing, and what she wanted, I asked myself, “What do I want?”

 

Sure, as a “nice guy” it was tough to answer that question at first, “What do I want?”

 

I had spent most of my life thinking about what I thought other people wanted. I thought if I could make them happy then I would have a problem free life, but that clearly didn’t work. 

 

Now for the first time, I was asking myself, “What do I want?”

 

For the first time in a long time, I was putting the coffee maker where I wanted it to go. I was taking care of me for a change. I was giving myself permission to even consider the idea of allowing myself to think about what I wanted. Read that last sentence again. 

 

In that unfurnished two bedroom apartment I realized how much I had handed over responsibility for my happiness to my wife. That’s when I began to sense that what was happening wasn’t a bad thing, it was a necessary thing to wake me up and get me to pay attention to my own life.

 

Sure there was more story to unfold, but my well-being, my peace of mind, my value as a person, my worthiness of love, my identity was not dependent on her acceptance of me or her desire to stay married or not. 

 

My value, my worth, and my identity was something I needed to own for myself.

 

In the next email I’ll share with you how walking and talk with other men has increased my confidence, strengthened my self-trust, and improved my relationship with my wife, my kids, my extended-family, my friends, my clients, and myself. I’ll also tell you why more women talk to me now than ever before.

 

So, where do you go from here?

 

You are a good guy. You want to be proud of the man you are being and you want your relationship with your wife to be better, but if you could have worked this problem out on your own, you would have done it by now.

 

You need better insights. You need another man to walk and talk with you to help you understand what to do next.

 

You don’t have to go through this alone.  

 

You are not required to join a men’s group or hire a men’s coach. Just be willing to take the first step by reaching out and starting a conversation with someone who understands, will listen, and who cares about you.

 

At this point we always ask you, "What do you want?"

 

It's one of the hardest questions for men to answer.  Why?

 

It seems as if we've been programmed to be afraid of saying what we want! 

 

Only a total jerk would clearly, plainly and unapologetically say out loud what he really wants for himself and his life...right?

 

Wrong. In fact, if you don't decide to clearly state what you want and go after it, nobody else will do it for you.

 

We send you these emails to stimulate your thinking and to stir your emotions.  That's the first step to taking the lead in your life.

 

If this email jolted your thinking...or if it tugged at your heart, then you are being called to stand up and do something.

 

We want to show you what it’s like to speak with a man who has lived what you’re going through.  It’s rare to feel totally seen, heard and valued by another man.

 

Simple.

 

We live to serve men.  We live to light a spark of realization in your mind that change is possible. Confidence is natural.  And becoming empowered to improve your situation is mandatory.

 

If you do want to talk about our coaching programs, groups and courses, that may take another call. 

 

First things first.  Let’s get you moving in the right direction for now.

 

Click HERE now to schedule your personal conversation.

 

And if you want to send Charlie McKeever a personal message about this email, you can email him at charles@happymancoaching.com