My wife doesn’t want to be married anymore! Now what?

 

Welcome back, brother!

 

We are continuing our weekly Happy Man Mindset email where we discuss topics from the Goodguys2Greatmen community.

 

My name is Charlie McKeever from Austin, Texas.  As a senior member in the community and Certified Goodguys2Greatmen coach, I share with you my personal journey as well as insights from walking and talking with men here in the community. The perspective I have gained from them have fundamentally changed me, my marriage, and my life.

 

Three years ago my wife avoided me, only gave me one word answers to questions and eventually told me she wanted a divorce. Today she regularly tells me she loves me on her own. She enjoys spending time together and we have open, honest, grown up conversations where she shares her thoughts, feelings, and experiences with me. A lot has changed over the last three years and those changes are what I will continue sharing with you in these emails.

 

Last time I told you what a woman means when she says, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”.  

 

Now I’ll share what happened when my wife said, “I don’t want to be married anymore.” 

 

Keep in mind, this is not legal advice. This is my story.  You should consult a lawyer before deciding what actions are best for you in your area and for your family.

 

In 2018, the day before Halloween, my wife told me, “I don’t want to be married anymore.” 

 

I was crushed! 

 

I felt like a failure as a husband, as a father, as a man. 

 

I had tried hard for 21 years to make my marriage work, to “do it better than my parents”, to prove myself, and there I was, still sitting on a park bench in my neighborhood, crying while she sat stone faced saying nothing.

 

At first I didn’t know what to do. Should one of us move out? Should I hire a lawyer? The answer wasn’t clear and I didn’t have anyone to talk with. I didn’t have any friends. I couldn’t talk to her family about it and I hadn’t talked to my family in years.

 

So we continued living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, and living with an elephant in every room, every hallway passing, and at every meal. It was nauseating. I lost 10 pounds from not eating and I had a torn up stomach from all the anxiety, depression, and stress.

 

In early November I reached out to Steve Horsmon and hired Dan Dore as my men’s coach. It was a relief to have another man to talk to about everything that was going on. Dan listened, asked important questions, and helped me find my answers. 

 

For the first time in my 46 years of life, I felt like I was finally getting clarity on myself, my life, and my marriage.

 

Then two days after Christmas, my wife said she felt like a fraud. Through her tears, she said she knew I had hired a men’s coach and she could see that I was trying, but she just didn’t feel any different. 

 

Again, I was punched in the gut, but this time I wasn’t crying. Tears streamed down her face as I gave her space to express herself without taking it personally, getting upset or explaining to her why she wasn’t seeing things correctly. 

 

I didn’t try to “fix it”. 

 

Dan taught me the importance of allowing my wife space to express herself and the importance of having empathy for her pain. He taught me how to detach from outcome and to add “right now” to the end of everything she said ( I hate you “right now”, I love you “right now” ). 

 

The result was a sense of calm, confidence, and clarity in my body, mind, and spirit. I knew I still had work to do and that would take time, but I also knew I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me. 

 

So, it was obvious to me that we had two choices:

1. We could file for divorce and call it quits right then,

2.  Or we could do a trial separation so she could decide if divorce really was what she wanted. 

 

I didn’t want a divorce and I had made that clear to her right from the start. 

 

She agreed to try a trial separation. We told our teenage son and daughter that morning and by mid-day I left the house to find an apartment. By early evening I had signed a lease on an unfurnished two bedroom apartment that was 10 minutes from the family home. This was serious.

 

When I returned to the house I said, “Okay, I have an apartment.” She was surprised. “Wow”, she said, “That was fast.” To which I said, “Well that’s what we agreed to, so that’s what I did.” I wasn’t angry about it. I was clear.

 

After a couple of hours of driving the family van back and forth between the house and the apartment, I had almost completely moved my clothes and essential items.

 

The evening was getting late and at some point I found myself loading up the van in the dark. 

 

I didn’t want my kids to feel abandoned or remember that their father had left in the middle of the night, so I told my wife I wanted to drop off one last load and then I would come back to the house, watch some TV like “normal” and then kiss the kids goodnight before going back to the apartment. She agreed and that’s how we spent the rest of the night. It was surreal.

 

Leaving my warm family home and walking into that vacant two bedroom apartment was heartbreaking.

 

I was ready for the day to be over, so I blew up a twin bed air mattress and climbed into a cold sleeping bag with all my stuff on the floor.

 

Laying there in the dark, I said out loud, “How the hell did I get here?” 

 

I had done everything I thought I was “supposed to do”. I had tried real hard to not make any mistakes. I had tried even harder to make everyone else happy and still there I was laying in a sleeping bag, on a blow up air mattress, in an unfurnished two bedroom apartment, alone.

 

What I didn’t fully understand at the time was that I wasn’t really alone. I now had a community of online brothers who I could turn to. I also had a men’s coach to guide me through the wilderness. I had the love and support of men just like me who were going through something similar, which meant they could understand me and my circumstances better than anyone I knew.

 

In so many ways, I was already okay and I was going to continue to be okay.

 

In the next email I’ll share with you what my men’s coach taught me about managing my thoughts and how his guidance helped me get out of bed that next morning and move forward without knowing what the future held. It was tough, but I guarantee you, it can be done. I know, I lived it, just like you are living some version of it now.

 

So, where do you go from here?

 

You are a good guy. You want to be proud of the man you are being and you want your relationship with your wife to be better, but if you could have worked this problem out on your own, you would have done it by now.

 

You need better insights. You need another man to walk and talk with you to help you understand what to do next.

 

You don’t have to go through this alone.  

 

You are not required to join a men’s group or hire a men’s coach. Just be willing to take the first step by reaching out and starting a conversation with someone who understands, will listen, and who cares about you.

 

At this point we always ask you, "What do you want?"

 

It's one of the hardest questions for men to answer.  Why?

 

It seems as if we've been programmed to be afraid of saying what we want! 

 

Only a total jerk would clearly, plainly and unapologetically say out loud what he really wants for himself and his life...right?

 

Wrong. In fact, if you don't decide to clearly state what you want and go after it, nobody else will do it for you.

 

We send you these emails to stimulate your thinking and to stir your emotions.  That's the first step to taking the lead in your life.

 

If this email jolted your thinking...or if it tugged at your heart, then you are being called to stand up and do something.

 

We want to show you what it’s like to speak with a man who has lived what you’re going through.  It’s rare to feel totally seen, heard and valued by another man.

 

Simple.

 

We live to serve men.  We live to light a spark of realization in your mind that change is possible. Confidence is natural.  And becoming empowered to improve your situation is mandatory.

 

If you do want to talk about our coaching programs, groups and courses, that may take another call. 

 

First things first.  Let’s get you moving in the right direction for now.

 

Click HERE now to schedule your personal conversation.

 

And if you want to send Charlie McKeever a personal message about this email, you can email him at charles@happymancoaching.com