Welcome back, brother,

This is our weekly Woodshop Wisdom email and I want to do something different for 12 emails.

I want to share with you my first 12 steps to being a better father, husband (someday again) brother, and friend.

This might be a little goofy for some and some of you might not even celebrate Christmas, but this idea came to me, and I wanted to write about 12 powerful insights I had.

 I hope you can relate to them and they help you move forward.

So here it is. Sing along if you like. 😊

 

 On these 12 days of Christmas, the insights shared from me…

40 more years of living,

A renewed confidence,

A brotherhood to guide me,

A bunch of ladies dancing,

A new way of being,

Clarity on my values,

Forgiveness for my partner,

Forgiveness foooorrrr myyyyyselllffff,

The willingness to seek help,

An open heart and mind,

A foundation of love,

and a feeling I will be okay.

 

Gift #9

A bunch of ladies dancing

 

I had a renewed sense of self.

 

A calm, inner knowing about who I was.

 

I was no longer walking around in a state of frantic, monkey-mind chatter, trapped in my inner world, trying to interpret my surroundings and make predictions about the future.

 

I had inner peace for the first time in a long time.  I was grounded.  I knew who I was.

 

I felt sturdy, like a tree deeply secured by its roots.  The wind could blow, the storms could rage but I could not be toppled.

 

When I looked outward, I realized most of the time, the sun shone upon me. 

 

This next part is what you might be looking for.  It is one of the many benefits to becoming the man you were meant to be.

I found that getting to, and living from, this place of inner peace and calm I could now turn my attention outward.  Toward the world and people around me.

 

In other words...I was ready to dance.

 

I saw with greater clarity my children, my soon-to-be-ex-wife, my family, my friends, and even strangers I met.

 

I was able to offer them something I couldn’t before.

 

I could dance by giving them my full attention, my grounded presence, my unwavering sense of self, and I could listen with complete acceptance.

 

I no longer needed anyone’s approval.  Because I approved of me.

 

I was bringing all of me to every dance.

 

I was facing outward, with an open heart that reached out into the world around me.

 

I felt whole and complete.  My cup was full.

 

Let me tell you something…they loved it. (the funny part is, it didn’t matter if they did or not...I loved being me)

 

My children drew closer to me, even during the unsettling times of our divorce.

 

They loved dancing with me.

 

They loved being able to express themselves and all their wild and flowing pre-teen emotions.

 

They loved feeling the comfort of Dad’s steady and loving presence.

 

I was safe for them to be around.

 

I became a better father because of this journey.

 

My smile came easier.  Joy was the emotion emanating from me.

 

I think that must be what dancers feel when they get lost in their art.

 

I quickly noticed the women around me were paying attention as well.

 

Most likely they were before but I couldn’t see it.  I was too stuck in my own inner world of shame and perfection-seeking-negative-self-talk to ever pay any mind to anyone else.

 

I remember once I was picking my kids up from an event.  I walked in, happy to see them and was watching them get their school bags ready.

 

I was feeling particularly loose that day, relaxed, free, joyful. My heart seemed fully open, my chest out, and my breathing deep.

 

Suddenly, like a bolt of electricity to the center of my chest, a spark lit me up.  It felt like I was connected to something for a brief flash.

 

I look to my right and noticed immediately a beautiful woman looking (maybe…staring is more accurate) my direction.

 

She had her bottom lip bit between her teeth and her sultry eyes met mine.

 

I caught her gaze, smiled, and in my best, albeit lamest, Joey from friends, “Hey, how you doing?” (I am NOT smooth, but I love that about me too) hahaha!

 

I got her number and we dance as friends to this day.

 

I would NOT have felt anything or had the presence to live in that moment before.

 

My previous way of being was to be worried about the kids behaving a certain way, if I was acting right or wrong, figuring out what’s for dinner in an hour, still obsessing over work, replaying the last conversation I had over and over again, and generally not anywhere near calm and collected.

 

I used to be a walking, talking mess of emotions buried under a self-shaming attitude never accepting myself as “good enough” for this moment or any other for that matter.

 

You see where I am going with this?

 

Defining your values, living true to your inherent nature, acting purposefully and intentionally, and being unapologetically authentic will create gifts.

 

That gift is YOU.

 

For those wondering…I said women, plural, were noticing.

 

After a year a separation, divorce papers filed, and months of barely any contact, my wife-on-paper-only at that point, was starting to notice too.

 

She must have felt my shift.

 

She must have felt my acceptance of her, my forgiveness, my deep and unwavering love, and my gratitude.

 

I had finally let go of my control of the way I thought things ought to be and started to believe simply in the way I want to be.

 

She felt the pressure release and she was curious to know more.

 

That’s a story for another time.

 

If you haven’t yet experienced what I described above and you want to, take another glance at the steps I laid out before.

 

Find a coach, mentor, or friend to work through on the inner game that is holding you back from having the experiences you desire.

 

The only thing holding you back from having those experiences is you. You just might not see it clearly now.

 

When you get grounded authentically in your truest form you can begin to reach out into the world, relish in the abundance it has to offer and then...dance.

 

You might be thinking, “That’s it?”

 

No, my friend, my journey gets to be a lot bumpier ride for me.  It gets worse before it gets better.

 

There is always another level deeper and there is always another opportunity to climb higher.

 

 

Thoughts From The Woodshop

 

There's a big bonus at work when we become personally grounded and secure.

 

I became more aware of the feelings and attitude of the people I work with.

 

I had an on-site job supervisor who was there on installation day. He was verbally short, angry and frustrated.

 

He snapped at me and my crew and wasn’t pleasant to be around.

 

I noticed my guys feeling defeated.  Their shoulders were low and their movements were sluggish and hesitant.  They were afraid to make a mistake around this guy, fearing his wrath.

 

It sucked.

 

I felt okay though.  

 

I was confident in our product and knew our mission was to provide value and beauty to this home with the same quality and care we always bring.

 

The jobsite was a little messy, in disarray when we got there, and I knew it was dangerously close to not meeting the deadline for completion.

 

This job supervisor wasn’t mad at us, he was mad at himself.

 

I know the look of a man shaming himself for not doing a good job and blaming himself for not running a project perfectly.  I see that guy in the mirror every day.

 

I pulled him aside, looked him in the eye, hand on his shoulder, and told him, “Mike, I can see this project is a bit behind schedule.  You are doing a great job building an absolutely beautiful home.  It’s not easy on a house of this scale.  My guys and I are here to do our jobs well, help you out as much as we can, so this project succeeds.  Keep up the good work and we will get through this working together.”

 

I could instantly see his shoulders relax and his breathing slow a bit.

 

This man needed to be seen and heard and praised for his hard work.

 

I never would have been able to extend my awareness to him if I was stuck in a defensive battle with him, fighting his attitude, and resisting the accusations thrown our way.

 

That battle of wills would have been fruitless.

 

Instead, personally believing in our mission and our products quality, we bonded over a common goal.

 

He relaxed, my guys relaxed and were free to do what they do best, and we accomplished the shared goal together.

 

I credit the connection to the fact that I believed in myself enough to not make the situation about me, but by being grounded enough to be able to see the other person and what was going on for them.

 

Where to go from here?  

 

I see you man. I see that you are ready to engage, you are ready to create something new. I see that you are ready to pick up the tools we have available and get back to building something in your life that is beautiful, impactful, and meaningful. I look forward to seeing it! 

Most of us men spend a lot of time in our heads.  We have conversations with ourselves but never show that thinking and feeling side to anyone else.

 
We want to help you fix that.

We want to show you what it’s like to speak with a man who has lived what you’re going through.  It’s rare to feel totally seen, heard and valued by another man.

We hear it all the time. 

“Get out of my head dude!  How did you know exactly what’s going on in my kitchen!”

Our free discovery calls are not like anything you might imagine.

This is NOT a sales pitch.

This is NOT “taster session”.

This is a deep dive into your scariest and most vulnerable thoughts.  And we require you plan for at least a full hour to connect.

Why do we do it this way?

Simple.

We live to serve men.  We live to light a spark of realization in your mind that change is possible. Confidence is natural.  And becoming empowered to improve your situation is mandatory.

If you want to talk about our coaching programs, groups and courses, that may take another call. 

First things first.  Let’s get you moving in the right direction for now.

Click HERE now to schedule your personal conversation.

And if you want to send Matt Epsky a personal message about this Q&A email, you can email him at matt@goodguys2greatmen.com