Welcome back, brother,
This is our weekly Woodshop Wisdom email and I want to do something different for 12 emails.
I want to share with you my first 12 steps to being a better father, husband (someday again) brother, and friend.
This might be a little goofy for some and some of you might not even celebrate Christmas, but this idea came to me, and I wanted to write about 12 powerful insights I had.
I hope you can relate to them and they help you move forward.
So here it is. Sing along if you like. 😊
On these 12 days of Christmas, the insights shared from me…
40 more years of living,
A renewed confidence,
A brotherhood to guide me,
A bunch of ladies dancing,
A new way of being,
Clarity on my values,
Forgiveness for my partner,
Forgiveness foooorrrr myyyyyselllffff,
The willingness to seek help,
An open heart and mind,
A foundation of love,
and a feeling I will be okay.
Gift #6
Clarity on my Values
I was feeling free and loose from the bounds of resentment and anger. I had forgiven her.
I was no longer a walking, talking clod of ailments.
I was no longer imprisoning myself in a victim mindset defined by all the misdeeds done by those around me.
(Most of those “misdeeds” were part of a false story I was telling myself anyway, to keep myself clinging to an identity defined by external circumstances.)
I was no longer a man who “had stuff happen to him.”
I wasn’t a man who needed her to be something different for me to feel good.
I also wasn’t a man explained by what he does or how other people see him.
So, who am I?
That was a great question asked by an even greater coach.
Who…the hell…am I?
Ummm…I don’t know.
If I am more than a husband, a father, a woodworker, a brother, a friend, a son; then who am I?
I found out through further reading and learning that I might be a spiritual being with innate intelligence (debatable, haha) and emotions having a physical experience. That sounded pretty neat, I could roll with that.
So, then what? I still couldn’t quite grasp how to BE with that knowledge.
How do I show up in the world different than I had in past?
I was missing something.
I was missing a foundational piece in which I could rely on.
The answer.
I needed to clearly define and understand the values I believe in and live by.
These values can also be called masculine operating principals, or standards for living or N.U.T.S (non-negotiable unalterable terms) as described by Wayne Levine in his book - Hold on to Your Nuts.
Whatever they are called, I could see I needed to explore them, write them down and begin reflecting on them. I needed to get very clear on them.
I’m a simple man who appreciates simple, easy-to-remember and follow explanations. So, I kept them to six words.
Love, Acceptance, Respect, Growth, Honesty, Faithfulness
I could write chapters on each one of these six values I hold firm to.
To keep this newsletter short and quickly readable, I won’t. If you are interested you can contact me and we can discuss the details.
Doing the work of clearly defining these values helped me to be who I wanted to be.
They help me to see when I am not showing up in a way that is important to me.
These values are guideposts defining my experience daily.
For example, if I am feeling angry and upset at someone else I quickly realize it’s because I am not living true to my own value system. Not because of something they did, but because of how I am responding to the circumstances around me.
If I am feeling joyous and happy it is probably because I am honestly expressing myself from a place of love, being generous, respectful, and completely accepting of those around me. That makes me feel good. I feel aligned with my core self.
The identity of me is only defined by me.
That definition does not come from anyone else.
Quick story after having figured out my values. During a heated discussion with my wife at the time, she accused me, “You are an unfeeling, abusive, narcissist.” I looked her dead in the eyes, with a slight grin on my face, “No…I’m not.”
I knew exactly who I was when I answered her, and nobody’s angry, hurtful accusations were going to touch me again. I knew I wasn’t those things.
I was a man who expected love, acceptance, respect, honesty, growth, and faithfulness from himself. Period.
That doesn’t mean my behaviors up until that point were aligned with who I am.
She was feeling those things about me. That was her truth.
By having clarity on who I am and what I stand for, we turned the conversation into one of connection and growth. I got curious about her experience and allowed her to share her frustrations.
We grew our relationship because I had learned and defined my character and core operating principles enough to not take her accusations personally.
If you ever find yourself angry and frustrated by someone’s verbal attacks it may be because you believe what they are saying is true.
Without your own awareness about what you are made of you will allow others to define it for you. In other words:
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.
Thoughts From The Woodshop
We have a mission statement and core operating principles defined in our business plan.
We stand for quality, value, kindness, and a commitment to continuously get better.
These are easy to follow and just as easy to see when we are not following them.
We can explain them and live by them.
We can adjust our sails to gather the most wind moving forward by re-examining the principles and adjusting our course.
If the painted finish is cracking and flaking off a clients cabinets, we simply stand by our word, repair and replace, and then task ourselves to getting a higher quality finish product and system of application to remedy this problem and get better as a company.
WHY DIDN’T I APPLY THIS TO MY MARRIAGE!?!?
After each argument, if I had simply asked myself this question:
Am I living by my core operating principles in this relationship?
If I had asked that question and realigned myself with my values I could have brought more love, more acceptance, more respect, more honesty, more faithfulness and had more growth. That’s what I stand for.
First, though, I needed to define them.
Second, I could have embodied them so I could live them.
Where to go from here?
I see you man. I see that you are ready to engage, you are ready to create something new. I see that you are ready to pick up the tools we have available and get back to building something in your life that is beautiful, impactful, and meaningful. I look forward to seeing it!
Most of us men spend a lot of time in our heads. We have conversations with ourselves but never show that thinking and feeling side to anyone else.
We want to help you fix that.
We want to show you what it’s like to speak with a man who has lived what you’re going through. It’s rare to feel totally seen, heard and valued by another man.
We hear it all the time.
“Get out of my head dude! How did you know exactly what’s going on in my kitchen!”
Our free discovery calls are not like anything you might imagine.
This is NOT a sales pitch.
This is NOT “taster session”.
This is a deep dive into your scariest and most vulnerable thoughts. And we require you plan for at least a full hour to connect.
Why do we do it this way?
Simple.
We live to serve men. We live to light a spark of realization in your mind that change is possible. Confidence is natural. And becoming empowered to improve your situation is mandatory.
If you want to talk about our coaching programs, groups and courses, that may take another call.
First things first. Let’s get you moving in the right direction for now.
Click HERE now to schedule your personal conversation.
And if you want to send Matt Epsky a personal message about this Q&A email, you can email him at matt@goodguys2greatmen.com
