Welcome back, brother,

This is our weekly Woodshop Wisdom email and I want to do something different for 12 emails.

 

I want to share with you my first 12 steps to being a better father, husband (someday again) brother, and friend.

 

This might be a little goofy for some and some of you might not even celebrate Christmas, but this idea came to me, and I wanted to write about 12 powerful insights I had.

 

 I hope you can relate to them and they help you move forward.

 

So here it is. Sing along if you like. 😊

 

On these 12 days of Christmas, the insights shared from me…

 

40 more years of living,

A renewed confidence,

A brotherhood to guide me,

A bunch of ladies dancing,

A new way of being,

Clarity on my values,

Forgiveness for my partner,

Forgiveness foooorrrr myyyyyselllffff,

The willingness to seek help,

An open heart and mind,

A foundation of love,

and a feeling I will be okay.

 

Gift #5

Forgiveness for my partner

 

If you are following along in my journey of initial insights, while absorbing it into your life, you might be feeling like I was.

 

I was seeing myself more clearly, I was loving my chances of a new life, letting go of my past misdeeds, and generally feeling lighter.

 

Then I looked towards her and thought what we all do – now SHE needs to apologize and “get better.”

 

Oh, how quickly I learned that is NOT how this works.

 

I was taking responsibility for my actions, owning the way I was showing up, basing my decisions from a place of love, and re-entering the relationship with an open heart and open mind.

 

Now, if she would just admit to all her own shortcomings, be completely remorseful, and vow to never, ever do anything wrong to me again we could move into version 2.0 and live blissfully ever after.

 

I waited.

 

I watched.

 

I waited some more.

 

I leaned into it.

 

Fellas, I am not lying when, in a moment of complete idiocy, I asked her, “So, what exact percentage do you hold me responsible for the breakdown in our marriage.”

 

With a serious tone I asked that question!

 

I guess I was secretly hoping and waiting for some beautiful answer of, “Oh baby, it was half of my fault and I am SO sorry for how I acted, I love you, I was so wrong and you are so smart and sexy and funny and I just…(abruptly ending with our lips pressed firmly together and her melting back into my arms.)

 

What I actually heard was an annoyed, “What!?! I don’t know, probably 90%.”

 

WHACK! 

 

Matt, meet the next 2x4 of clarity up-side the head once again.

 

(My face is starting to hurt)

 

Once again, I mistakenly took my new-found well-being and direction and placed all of it back into her lap for safe keeping.

 

Another person’s actions and behaviors are not done to us or for us, they are done only for themselves.

 

Let me elaborate.  By requiring a certain set of actions that my wife had to follow meant that I was left waiting for those actions to happen before I could live my life and control my own destiny and my own experience of life.

 

I gave her all my power…again.

 

She didn’t WANT that responsibility! She detested it.

 

It meant she had to “take care of my emotions…again!”

 

I was a child to her, and she saw no change or growth in me.

 

Uggghhh! Now what?!?!

 

Back to the extreme ownership and 100% responsibility for myself drawing board.

 

I had this resentment inside of me, this pain, this anger that I was fighting with.

 

I ran across this quote, and it stuck with me.

 

“Holding onto resentment or anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.”

 

I was definitely drinking the poison and I felt like I was the one dying.

 

I had to do what must be done next.

 

It was completely selfish and self-loving.

 

I chose to forgive her for everything I felt happened to me.

 

I chose to let go of it.

 

“We forgive for the freedom of our own hearts”

Charlotte Joko Beck

 

I previously set down the burden of carrying around my shame from my own previous actions. 

 

Next, I set myself towards dropping the baggage of anger and resentment towards her.

 

I once felt extreme loneliness – I could forgive someone for seeking companionship.

 

I understood the need to be heard and understood – I could forgive someone for trying so desperately to have a voice.

 

I know what chaos and mental anguish feels like – I have forgiveness and empathy for someone who feels out of control and hopeless.

 

I see my struggles around worth and acceptance – I forgive actions taken by those who suffer the same lost and empty feelings.

 

If I could forgive anyone, it starts with the woman I deeply love and respect.

 

I want to be clear; I’m not excusing behavior outside of my value system. I’m simply deciding not to carry it around in my heart any longer.

 

In the words of Miranda Lambert

“At the baggage claim, you’ve got a lot of luggage in your name, when you hit the ground, check the lost and found, because it ain’t my problem now. I can’t carry it on, I’ve got a lot of troubles of my own.”

😊

 

I wanted badly to travel to the next warm, sunny destination in our relationship.

 

No baggage required. 

 

(Except maybe that smoking hot black bikini I liked so much) 😉

 

Last word of advice while you are navigating forgiveness.  I found this out more times than not.

 

If you find it hard to forgive her, ask yourself if what you are really trying to forgive is how YOU showed up in that particular situation.

 

It always is an inside game gentleman. Always.

 

 

Thoughts From The Woodshop

 

Angry, yelling, cussing, job supervisors on a project gone sideways, early Monday morning, are the meanest sons-of-b#%&s on the planet.

 

They will cuss out you, your kids, and your kid’s kids, to motivate you to get their job done and make them happy.

 

They can be a$$holes.

 

I used to take it so personally and feel so defensive.

 

“I was doing all I could!” (except for maybe that long lunch I took on Friday)

 

“I was working all weekend.” (except for Saturday afternoon when the game was on)

 

“I told you I would be done on time.” (small white lie…I hadn’t really started yet)

 

We were locked in a battle of will-power and arrogance, flinging insults, and arguing. 

 

It was always the other guy’s fault.

 

STOP!

 

No progress will be made if we keep fighting and blaming each other.

 

Nothing will get done if we keep up this cycle.

 

This guy’s not a$$hole, he is doing the best he can with the tools he has.

 

I’m not a terrible person for incorrectly overestimating my capabilities. I’m learning.

 

We can forgive each and move towards resolution.

 

Even if he can’t, I will.

 

I am not going to sit in victim mode and sulk.

 

I am determined to CREATE the path for us to move towards mutual agreement.

 

It starts with forgiving the emotionally charged behavior and seeing the human-being on the other side.

 

Where to go from here?  

 

I see you man. I see that you are ready to engage, you are ready to create something new. I see that you are ready to pick up the tools we have available and get back to building something in your life that is beautiful, impactful, and meaningful. I look forward to seeing it! 

Most of us men spend a lot of time in our heads.  We have conversations with ourselves but never show that thinking and feeling side to anyone else.

 
We want to help you fix that.

We want to show you what it’s like to speak with a man who has lived what you’re going through.  It’s rare to feel totally seen, heard and valued by another man.

We hear it all the time. 

“Get out of my head dude!  How did you know exactly what’s going on in my kitchen!”

Our free discovery calls are not like anything you might imagine.

This is NOT a sales pitch.

This is NOT “taster session”.

This is a deep dive into your scariest and most vulnerable thoughts.  And we require you plan for at least a full hour to connect.

Why do we do it this way?

Simple.

We live to serve men.  We live to light a spark of realization in your mind that change is possible. Confidence is natural.  And becoming empowered to improve your situation is mandatory.

If you want to talk about our coaching programs, groups and courses, that may take another call. 

First things first.  Let’s get you moving in the right direction for now.

Click HERE now to schedule your personal conversation.

And if you want to send Matt Epsky a personal message about this Q&A email, you can email him at matt@goodguys2greatmen.com